This is likely to be a brutal honest cry ball blog post. My daughter is starting reception and that’s the gentle way of saying my daughter, my little baby girl is starting school, like real school! Not day care, not nursery, not being ‘looked after by Nonna so mummy can work’ REAL ACTUAL SCHOOL. Suddenly she seems taller, feel heavier when she sits on my lap. She smarter, she’s so brave and adventurous and I’m so proud of her. Every night I peek in on her and hold my breath till I know she’s breathing (I know I’m not alone in this!!!) mummy’s talk. Sometimes I look at her and can’t believe how beautiful she is and how I made her. HOW!? How am I your mummy, I still feel like a lost teenager and I’m almost 40. How are you starting school so soon.
I look at her curled up asleep in her single bed knowing she’s going to start reaching out her legs soon and seeing how far away from the bottom she is and willing herself to grow taller. I can see the distance and know I have about 7 more years of my little girl before the little woman starts to show up. These last four and a half years have whizzed by. I’ve been so proud of her and all her milestones and the cracking kid she is that’s I’ve not been sad about her growing up. But it’s hit me now! I’m that mum, it’s happened and I’m quite devastated, I want our time again, there’s so much we haven’t done and so much I want to do and I hate that life gets in the way of that. So I find myself doing a late night google on how to help a parent transition from baby to reception.... theres nothing that I’m finding! I try a few different ways of wording it. Basically self help for a sad mummy who’s baby is no longer a baby! There’s nothing real out there apart from lots of don’t cry, celebrate etc or how to help your child translation. She’s fine! I’m not!
I know this is a phase and this too shall pass and there is no pause button, no rewind. No do-over! As much as I wish I had those magical powers I don’t. I think I’m actually grieving and this is what it feels like. I’ve never really grieved anything. The passing of my grandad.... no I didn’t grieve, he was very ill and I was content he was not suffering anymore. All the miscarriages, nope not grieved, I believe they come back to you when the time is right and I soon fell with my mini beast so was over the moon and focused on her! My cat Cleo of 17 years being my first baby, ok yes that broke me a bit until I had the ‘dream’ where she visited me to tell me everything was ok and she was ok. I let her go, grief replaced with a missing sadness and again then along came my mini me!
No going to lie, this sucks!!
I miss her yesterday’s so much and eagerly look forward to her tomorrows and celebrate her today’s. Why oh why can we not just get a pause button just to stop, take it all in, process and be ready for the next. Parenting is hard, it’s like 70 miles an hour with corners and turns where if you touch the breaks the car will loose control. But it’s a motorway you can’t slow to 10mph! There’s no traffic lights to take a moment, there’s not GPS. To know what’s the right way. Oh I know I’m ranting but I warned this was going to be a bit on the raw side. I’m throwing my toys out the pram and throwing a massive strop! It’s not fair. I guess this is one of the reason some go on to have another baby around now to fill the baby void. Void it is, it’s a Grand Canon and I’m bitter about it.
I’ll build a bridge and get over it in a few days no doubt. But if you are reading this and are in the same situation your not alone. You are also not alone if the thought of your little one heading to school actually makes you want to dance on the rooftops there plenty of mums out there that are desperate for the relief to have some time back for them to be ’Jane’ again. She too will miss her baby :)
so I'm clearly going be spending the next 10 odd weeks with dr google for things to do with her to make this time memorable for us both, how to cope, how to prepare her, etc etc etc I take some solace knowing I’m not alone in this. To all the mums and dads out there who’s little one is starting reception good luck to all of you!
My baby, my muse, my learning partner in crime :) xxx