Tick tok Tick Tok....and no I do not mean the uber young cool trendy social media thing keeping us all amused this last six months. I mean the ticking time bomb of our lives.
How has your life panned out? Did it go the way you thought it would? Have you collected all the awards along the way or fallen off every cliff edge possible!?
For me on a personal note; I wouldn't say I've fallen off cliff edges as such, it has been more of a oh look there is Dover... and over!
For me lockdown brought about some major changes. I have always believed in love, that love conquers all BUT I sadly have come to realise too late that this love has to be for yourself. I have been lost for a long time from myself, the only person that makes sense too I am sure are my best friends, mum and my NLP practitioner. Who is amazing!!! This blog post is about one of my sessions as I feel it could be helpful to someone out there.
So my last few sessions have been to help me deal with some big ticket items like the self defence WALLS and I mean SAMURI WARRIOR GREAT WALL OF CHINA WALLS that I would put up when hurt, I was probably the best at this and definitely deserve some sort of medal for the levels of defence I could induce at a moments notice. BUT time has taught me these walls do not serve my life for the better and I wanted rid of them. Well after my session I now find it impossible to put up walls and instead I am defining my boundaries lol and I feel like a child learning all over again at this ripe old age of 40. Anyway my last session I was not entirely sure what I wanted to cover with Dave but I felt that the mental heath stuff had thoroughly been explored and so much resolved so now hey why not attempt the other niggles in your life and the biggest one for me is my weight and lack of weight loss.
PLEASE NOTE THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING
(baby loss - feel free to end your reading here and resume at another time).
So I am going to give you a very honest account of what happened in this session because I cannot be the only person affected like this and this NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) session did NOT go the way I thought it would! I honestly thought this one would be a bit like, here do some tapping on certain parts of your body every time you feel like heading to the fridge to be a pig and learn some self control....NOPE!
So Dave asked me a few questions, getting me to describe to him what is like for me, the whole experience of my weight issue, visualisation works best with me so he gets me to visualise it and describe it. I describe it as a hallowed out egg shell that sits inside my body from the top of my rib cage down to my womb. Inside out and open, that I can never fill it up. As soon as I said it i knew what 'it' was. So I voiced it and said do you think this is something to do with my pregnancy losses?
We go on, he does this thing where I describe what is around me in the visualisation, to my left was a mirror facing outwards, to my right a white picket fence in darkness, behind e a sunset and in front a wall arch doorway leading to a lush garden. (I am always wondering how my mind comes up with this stuff, am I making all this up....but I go with it, as I know how helpful the last few sessions have been. Like an audience I want to see where this is going also). He asks me to step forward and note if anything changes. I did (metaphorically of course) and what changed was I was on a tiny bridge, one of those pointless pond bridges... and a tiny stream ran underneath it. The hallowed egg shell had flipped around and I was now wearing it like a belly cast. Dave said something quite profound to me at this point. He said I think this is the first step you have ever taken to healing from the losses. He was right! I have a bridge to cross to get to that lush garden.
How do you grieve a pregnancy loss, I really do not know...I know I had a healthy attitude towards it in that I told myself if I had of had the first baby I would have been 21 years old and my life would be completely different today. If I had of had any of the babies from just after we got married I would not have my amazing little girl now. So yes ok that was the mental element sorted and that was me sorted right!?...clearly I was wrong!
I was sitting in my studio for our video call and at one point he asked me how long I was going to be carrying this hallowed eggshell around with me for or for how long!? I kind of bowed my head and just turned my monitor to give him a quick view of the studio... with all these beautiful babies up on the walls. Yes it was hitting me too.....why I fell in love with newborn photography and why I needed it in my life. Told you I would be brutally honest. We hashed out that whilst I am generally fine with not pigging out for part of the month, when my cycle moves to the menstrual side it acts as a trigger for me and I cannot stop myself. Even as I know jeez you have had enough just stop, I can't. So hard to be open and honest about that bit as it is embarrassing and you cannot help but feel ashamed. Other people have eating disorders not me..... hmmmmm.
We move on to take a step back, basically we are exploring the areas in the visualisation to see what changes and what it throws up. Next I am to step to my left and what happens.. So what happened is suddenly the egg shell (it is back the other way for the visualisation purposes) now has a fetus inside but I cannot see myself in the big mirror. What am I a vampire..., So then Dave hits me with a big one. Ouch! quite raw! He said to me, so you can not see yourself being with child (why I cannot see myself pregnant in the mirror). Honestly I know this is his job but you do feel rather exposed, when someone sees straight to the most cutting thing for you presently. I want another baby but nope I cannot see myself having one and it hurts a lot for many reasons.
Dave has me come back to the middle and now over to the right. Ok now I can see a house behind the picket fence, which is in sunshine. It dawns on me this is the exact house I used to draw growing up, I wanted to be an architect so drew houses from about age 7. I will admit I laughed at how cheesy I was being in my visualisation, the classic 2 up 2 down, white picket fence....it was my family home, my perfect scenario that I always dreamed of and wanted. I feel a little bit sad for that young girl with big naive dreams now. But I would not go back and tell her, those are beautiful dreams that I the grown woman hopes to still have.
Dave asks me to describe where they are, my babies. they are left in font of me, he tells me to move them to right behind me. I needed a moment here to give each soul a mamma hug and tell them I loved them as I know from the other sessions, this is good-bye. As I moved them right they seperated from the pain and that went to left behind me. I didn't mention this bit to dave.
Dave then said the long and short of it all was no real conclusion like my prior sessions because I had some grieving and processing to do with everything we had just covered, that those babies were real, they were literally part of me, he validated thier existence something that I desperately needed. Not to brush them away and pretend they didn't happen as it was too difficult a subject to talk about. That they were now right behind me always, and the pain was left behind and over time that would be further away from me but they would always still be right behind me, having my back.
I hope all that has made sense and I do not sound like a nutcase. But I have found myself not hungry ever since, which is the strangest sensation. I feel a inner peace, a stillness I have not been able to tap into for such a long time. I feel enlightened and not empty for the first time in a long time. So am very interested to see if the weight starts shifting now I have shifted the mental and emotional blockage.
If you have experienced baby loss and need to talk to someone about it but not actually talk about it, he doesn't do details, he is only interested in how your brain has worked it all out and he will if you allow him untangle and show you a way out. DO go visit his facebook page and website he has a wealth of free stuff on there, and yes he has a long waiting list but get on it! I cannot recommend him enough. He honestly has saved me from myself these last few months.